Back Down, Michael, She’s Not as Horny as You Are, so Learn to Live with it.

Okay, this is the perfect song. It’s the best song ever written, and the best take on it ever done, and you lot can’t see it because you’re such a bunch of sad-faced dullards, whining and moaning all the time about how nothing works etc. etc.; the fact of it is, none of you recognise class when you see it, which is why you’ll always be unlaid and miserable.

Allow me to present She’s so Cold.

It more or less follows that the perfect song had to be written by the Rolling Stones. There’s a forking groovy band name if ever there was one, and if anyone knows how to turn being totally horny all the time into a wicked little single, it’s the Stones.

Ten reasons why She’s so Cold ought to get your heart hard and your dick beating fast:

1. Groove, you awful bunch of depressives, this one has that careless, totally lazy Rawling Strummers thingy which basically means they’re all doing whatever the fuck they please but it gets all the peachy bums shaking anyway. I’d throw away my Tumbling Dice bootlegs if I were you, here’s where they really do as little as possible, and squeeze out of it as much as anyone could.

2. Oh my loony god, it’s true! Anyone who’s been horny as a dog and had go to bed alone ought to relate; this is pottery pernickety piss-in-a-pot poetry.

3. Rhymes. I bet all of you secretly want to write stuff like “This is a strange and, yet, unmanageable world in which, should I take scalpel to infection, I would find various considerable social problems in the arsehole of the politically challenged Margaret Thatcherite economy” or some such; now, COME ON, you pussies – “cold” rhymes with “tombstone”, or it very nearly does. Isn’t that good enough for you? And with “froze”, and “Arctic zone”.

When was the last time “Arctic zone” had a meaningful place in a sentence anyway?

4. Revenge. What’s life without a little retribution? He sings that she’ll be old and ugly one day; now; that takes a pair of bowloques: this is Mick Jagger, there’s never been an older or uglier. Oh: and the “beauty”“booty” pun. Marry me, Mick.

5. I dare you to sit through it now, and not remember the chorus tomorrow morning, once you wake up with a cracking headache and the taste of stale toilet cleaner in your unfortunate mouth.

Bob Dylan: “William Zanzinger killed poor Hattie Carroll, with a cane that he flung from his diamond-ringed finger”.

The Rolling Stones: “I’m so hot for her, I’m so hot for her, I’m so hot for her, and she’s so cold!” With two guitars, no less.

Guess who wins?

Being stiff in your pants was never this cool.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Back Down, Michael, She’s Not as Horny as You Are, so Learn to Live with it.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s